The Boston Marathon’s today. If you didn’t know that this morning, you found out when you tried to drive into Boston and found it to be completely fucking impossible. And if you didn’t have to be in the city today, you’d find out tomorrow when every tenth person you see walks like they spent today trying to break the world gangbang record, but poor planning led to not quite enough Astroglide and a little too much Ron Jeremy.
I’ve never understood the urge to try to run the marathon. The human body wasn’t meant to run for 26 miles; if it was, God wouldn’t have given us thumbs, cars, and total knee replacement surgery. Oh sure; you can find ways to make your body run 26 miles, but you probably shouldn’t expect anything good to come out of it. It’s like trying to use your shoe to hammer in a nail; you can probably do it if you really feel like you have to, but don’t expect to ever use it for little things like walking ever again.
Jesus, just the things that you have to do to prepare for the marathon should put up a giant red flag that perhaps you’ve made a slight error in judgment. If your idea of preparing for a good time involves toilet paper, Gatorade and Vaselining your sack? Good for you, but let’s just say that there’s a reason I went to a college with no fraternaties or lacrosse teams. Hell, the only reason I carbo load is I haven’t found a more efficient way to get beer into my body.
I used to know a guy who was a nationally-ranked marathon runner. He regularly placed in the top 30 finishers in the Boston Marathon. When we used to invite this dude out, he’d ask us to put it off for an hour so he’d have time to run eight miles, and take a shower. He had built his body for running marathons… and yet the one time I talked him into smoking a Marlboro, he gasped and shook like I’d given him a sucking chest wound with a fondue fork. He was a world-class athlete who wasn’t in good enough shape to smoke a cigarette.
To me, living proof that no one should be running a marathon is Uta Pippig. She won the 1996 Boston Marathon Women’s Open, finishing the race in less than two and a half hours. She was one of the most finely-trained athletes in the world, and yet this famous professional runner crossed the finish line covered in her own shit, immediately before collapsing. Yeah, sorry; I’m more impressed with the performance of Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark. In two and a half hours, she drank an obese Sherpa into a coma, and had the wherewithall to fuck with Indiana Jones afterwards. That’s an athletic achievement.
So you can keep your Boston Marathon; I’m gonna keep drinking. It’s easier on the knees, and the training’s a hell of a lot more fun. And the rules are simpler: if, in less than two and a half hours, you find yourself fetal and covered in feces? You are an amateur, and you fucking lose.
However, you will be famous. Because my friends and I will write dirty words on your face with a permanent Sharpie and post pictures of it to the Internet.
[tags]Boston Marathon, Running, Jogging, Drinking, Carbo Loading, Dark Humor[/tags]
Hey maby I like to be healthy and like running unlike u who smokes and is lazy! Running is fun! Sorry if I sounded mean! (i ment that to the person who typed this article up !!!!!