What is the Large Hadron Collider?
The Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest particle accelerator. It flings subatomic particles in a high-speed, repeated circular, looping motion and then crashes them into other subatomic particles.
We particle physicists like to call it the roller derby of science, except with more explosions and, sadly, fewer girl-on-girl slapfights.
We masturbate to it, anyway.
Where did you get the idea for doing this with particles?
After twelve years of public school swirlies. Plus, we played Halo, and that looked pretty fucking badass, right?
What is a Hadron?
In science, a hadron is what you have when your chemistry teacher asks you to write the formula for sodium chloride on the blackboard, causing Janie Alexander who you’ve had a crush on since first grade to laugh at you, and you to swear to seek revenge by someday building a giant doomsday device.
Whoops! Got a little distracted there. In quantum physics, a hadron is a bound group of quarks.
What is a quark?
A quark is a physical particle that interacts via all four fundamental quantum forces: Gravitation, Electromagnetism, Strong Interaction, and Pure Fucking Awesome.
What is the Large Hadron Collider for?
We will be using the Large Hadron Collider to crash high-speed hadrons into each other, hoping to find evidence of the Higgs boson, or “God Particle”, which would prove a Grand Unified Theory of particle physics.
So in essense, we will be spewing streams into a dark tunnel hoping to see God.
Jesus Christ, we’re so lonely.
Have you ever seen a Higgs boson?
No. But we’ve never seen a woman’s nipples either; it doesn’t stop us from chasing them.
Why do you call it a “Higgs boson”?
Because it was first theorized by physicist Peter Higgs, therefore he got to name it. And thank God, because if that pervert Brout had published first, we’d be telling people that we’re trying to find a “Tuscaloosa Mudburn” and we’d be getting a lot of unwanted attention in bus station mens’ rooms.
Why is the Large Hadron Collector located in France?
Because in the unlikely event that we open a portal to another dimension and strange and terrifying alien creatures gain access to our world, we want to be in a geographical position to quickly and efficiently surrender. We’re no Gordon Freemans here. We’re not even Gordon from Sesame Street.
Please don’t hurt us. We get chronic nosebleeds.
How long does it take for a hadron to go from zero to 14 TeV ?
Three dates if you buy her wine and she’s easy! Ha Ha! That’s a little quantum physics humor!
Please don’t; we told you about the nosebleeds.
Is it true that the Large Hadron Collider could accidentally create a black hole that destroys the Earth?
Accidentally? No. Not accidentally, bitches.
[tags]Large Hadron Collider, LHC, quantum physics, particle physics, black holes, doomsday device, Frequently Asked Questions, FAQ, dark humor, satire[/tags]
