MySpace: An American Jerk FAQ For Concerned Parents

What is MySpace?

According to the owners, MySpace is “An online community that lets you meet your friends’ friends,” and allows you to share pictures, journals and interests with like-minded people. According to your child, MySpace is an online circle of friends that allows them to stay in contact and make plans easily.

In reality, MySpace is a den of perverts and pederasts, all trolling for succulent young flesh to defile. Based on current media investigations of MySpace, their claimed 24 million user base is comprised of 77 percent known diseased pedophiles, 22.7 percent policemen pretending to be known diseased pedophiles, and your child.

Goodness! Should I be concerned?

Please stop for a moment to consider that out of 26 million users, only a handful of people have been accused of trying to prey on children using MySpace. Therefore, according to our elected officials, you should not be concerned.

Until the election in November, you should be hysterical.

What do I have to do to keep my child safe?

Please keep in mind that MySpace is an elective service that your child sought out using your computer and your Internet account in your home. So you have to do nothing, because clearly this problem is the Government’s responsibility.

Should I move my child’s computer to the living room so I can monitor their online behavior?

Experts say that moving the computer to the living room can minimize the risk that your child could engage in dangerous online behavior. However, those selfsame “experts” don’t have to worry about how that ugly off-white box will look next to the imported black leather loveseat, or how you’re supposed to access www.youngwetbitches.com without staining the new wall-to-wall. Besides, those no matter what those “experts” say, it’s not their child in the living room, tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard, overhearing you commiserating with your spouse about how sweet life would be if someone hadn’t been too tipsy to pull out.

I can’t even understand what my child’s saying to people on MySpace!

Children have invented a detailed and extensive shorthand to prevent their parents from knowing what they’re talking about online. As a public service, here is a handly glossary of common MySpace chat abbreviations:

• ROTFL: Rolling on the floor, laughing
• LOL: Legs open, languidly
• POS: My innocence is for sale
• IIRC: Crusty raincoats make me sexually curious
• 14AA41: I’m 14-years-old with double A’s looking for a 41-year-old
• IANAL: I anal
• A/S/L: I love pearly white cum and pubes, Grandpa
• 🙂: My parents ignore me, so I would greatly appreciate it if you, a stranger, would put your aged cock in my ass, sans lubrication, so at least I can feel something

Should I stop my child from using MySpace?

While we hesitate to advise people on how they should parent their child, yes.

MySpace, if not the entire Internet, is rife with predators, and is patently immoral and unsafe. We recommend that you forbid your child from using MySpace, and instead try to persuade them to seek companionship in a safe, wholesome environment. Maybe your church, or perhaps school.

[tags]MySpace, Internet predators, pedophiles, parenting, dark humor, satire[/tags]