Now that you are an illegal resident of the United States, we would like to congratulate you on your accomplishment. It is no easy task to wade across the Rio Grande, considering its high level of industrial pollutants. But now that you are here, you have earned a special status: fugitive. The swelling you felt in your chest upon stepping from the Rio Grande on to American soil will be given the status of pride, and if you remain in the United States for five years, it will be redesignated as cancer.
YOUR RIGHTS
As an illegal resident of the United States, you have no right to work at any job. While we recognize that you more than likely came to the United States to find work, your employment would basically steal jobs that are in high demand for Americans, such as picking lettuce, or scraping strangers’ encrusted semen off of motel bedspreads.
The one exception to this rule is that illegal Mexican immigrants will be permitted to work as nannies for the squalling, shitting infants of the rich (We tried this with legal, English immigrants and it didn’t work out so well).
If you are a skilled technical worker seeking employment in information technology, you have come to the wrong country. Please consider illegally emigrating to India.
All of the above rules are void if you can pitch.
YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES
Congress has declared that, as an illegal resident of the United States, you have the following responsibilities:
- Everything that is wrong in the United States.
INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
You may travel outside the US and return at will. However, upon your return, in order to pass through US borders unmolested, you will need to be carrying:
- Marijuana, cocaine or heroin
- High explosives
- Radiological materials
- A detailed plan for a terrorist attack
Historically, all people carrying one or more of the preceding items has had no trouble whatsoever passing through US borders.
VOTING
You will not be permitted to take part in American elections. One of the most important privileges of democracy in the United States of America is the right to participate in the election process. As an illegal resident of the United States, you have none of the sense of history, importance and national gravitas required to make an informed an conscious decision to blow off going to the polls in favor of WWE Tuesday Night Smackdown and bong hits.
In conclusion, welcome to America! Se habla Espanol!
¡Comience a raspar de ese semen, Jorge!
[tags]illegal immigration, illegal immigrants, INS, USCIS, dark humor, satire[/tags]
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I told you not to bother me at my Web site, Dad.
really if you like the illegal immigrants so much why don’t you (and all of the other legal U.S. citizens that like them so much) pay for their children to get educated, fed, clothed and housed. and let the rest of us legal U.S. citizens get a tax break!
this is not a immigration issue it’s a invasion.
Oh, so I suppose you’re for that big wall they want to build on the Texas border, huh? So you’re in favor of a pork project that’ll put thousands people on the government teat and cost we honest taxpayers billions? Go back to Taxachusetts, hippie.
It’s an invasion, boo hoo! Are you honestly telling me that you’re afraid of the Mexican Blitzkrieg? You know who whines that they’re afraid of an invasion? An unarmed man. Bet you’re for gun control, too. Well, don’t worry; Mother Hillary can keep you safe.
You dirty pinko commie lefty moonbats make me want to vomit.
You’re wasting your time, Rob. These pathetic libs would rather suck down lattes with their gay marriage friends while removing Jesus from every aspect of a Christian nation than actually face the real problem. Namely, where the hell is Jose and why the hell isn’t he mowing my lawn?
Because we all know how much people in Massachusetts fucking CHERISH the Alamo. Everything’s bigger in Texas – particularly the douchebags.
Lance – Did you remember to put the invisible fence collar on him? If not, you know how these people get; always running off to worship their Mexican version of Jesus…
Tim – thanks for the support, although I do personally cherish any location Ozzy Osbourne used as a toilet. Yes, even Jack.
And to everyone else: Tim is one of the most talented comedians in Boston, and you should go immediately to check out his first album for free, and while you’re there, buy his new one, Scatterbrain.
How DARE you print such blatant misinformation? It’s just disgraceful how you don’t even check your facts before you post something on the internet for so many people to read.
WWE Smackdown airs on FRIDAY nights.
Other than that, spot on, cuz.
Sorry, Brendan; I didn’t mean to misrepresent Friday Night Smackdown. All I remember is being shithouse drunk and seeing a bunch of steroid monsters smacking on each other. Clearly I meant to talk about Monday Night Football.
Good luck at The Rumble tomorrow night, and tell Shred I said Hi.