“We are not watching that fucking convention again,” my girl said, “Tomorrow’s the first day back at school with the kids, and I do not intend to spend the last night of my vacation watching liars in new clothes pretend to give a fuck about me when I have to do it all day tomorrow.”
So I kept an eye on it via streaming video on the laptop while she watched Bones on the big TV, and it didn’t take long to dawn on me that my girl was right. I had pissed away three evenings watching a bunch of gussied-up blowhards spend hours saying two things: McCain is a dildo, and Obama is ready to be president. And while at least one of those sentiments is probably true, does it really take four days and thirty-five prime time TV hours to get that message across?
A smart public relations professional, such as myself, would realize that you could reach more people with a YouTube video of John Kerry getting simultaneously tazed and bitten in the sack by a cocker spaniel in front of a “McCain is a dildo, and Obama is ready to be president” banner, all with the added benefit of being remotely fucking entertaining.
That’s the biggest sin of this whole fucking convention: it’s Goddamned boring. Everybody is doing exactly what you would expect them to do to get Obama elected, and where’s the fun in that? I would love to be able to report something like, “And then Bill Clinton walked on stage, apparently soaking wet, with lipstick stains on his collar and his left eye seemingly full of blood. He opened his speech by saying, ‘I’ve just boned my last staffer, fuckers!’
“Clinton then produced a Zippo lighter engraved with ‘Hillary’s Bitch’ and howled, ‘As America’s first black president, I demand that you dump this Uncle Tom motherfucker off the ticket, because I am not taking another asskicking from that woman if she loses! Or so help me God, I will burn this place to the ground!’
“Convention security briefly grappled with the former President, who only managed to set his right arm ablaze before being subdued. He is listed in stable condition at Denver Memorial…”
Now that would have been fun. But instead, Ol’ Bill smiled, said that Obama’s the dude, and went home to presumably jack off to plumper porn just like you’d expect. The only surprise in the whole deal was that, after two days of making the women look like Barbie dolls, apparently the DNC TV wizards like to make men look like Tommy Lee Jones after walking the Mojave and a course of radiation treatment. Bill looked like he’d been rode hard and put away old.
Joe Biden’s speech was no better; he spent half an hour espousing McCain’s dildosity, with the only interesting detail being that he couldn’t string together fifteen words without stuttering or slurring two of them. It was like watching a thirty-minute petit-mal seizure; I was embarrased for his speaking skills, and I was shitfaced. The only positive that I could see come out it is that it should put an end to the plagiarism rumors since the poor bastard obviously is incapable of stealing even his own speech.
The closest thing to a surprise that happened last night was at the end of Biden’s alloted time, Obama himself came out to join him on the stage. Which clearly was meant to come across as a triumphant endorsement of Biden by the presidential nominee, but after that dog of a speech, came more across as a cynical, cancellation-forstalling cameo appearance of the Fonz on an episode of Mork and Mindy. I kept checking Obama’s hands to see if he was carrying a hook.
So I think I’ll be skipping the convention broadcast tonight; I’ve heard what they’re selling, and I’m about politicked out… and besides, I need to rest up for the Republican National Convention on Monday. Which should be far more entertaining, if only for the fact that it’ll be like watching an Irish wake: a bunch of people whooping and hollering, drinking and trying to be enthusiastic… all while trying to ignore the fact that the guest of honor is a dead guy in the room.
[tags]Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, Democratic National Convention, John McCain, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
