The official theme of the 2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony was “One World, One Dream“. Which adds up to two, and that works out nicely since it turns out the whole thing was a duplicitous fraud. Apparently the only thing that was real in the whole mess was my boredom for the three minutes it took me to dial up a rerun of Eureka to watch instead.
The whole thing kicked off with a beautiful fireworks display that it turns out was about as real a Madonna’s tits or Britney Spears’s sanity. The whole thing was ginned up in CGI, which I normally wouldn’t give a fuck about except… this was in China, where they invented fireworks. If the Chinese can’t pull off 29 explosions, we’re spending too Goddamned much on our military.
Going to China and seeing fake fireworks is like going to a Furries convention and being raped by Mr. Ed. Which is a good analogy because you wouldn’t catch me dead in either place.
Right on the heels of that bombshell (I swear I didn’t mean that pun; it’s beneath both of us), we find out that the cute little girl that sang “Ode to The Motherland” was actually a shill who was lip-syncing for some other little girl who didn’t have whatever “It” factor that the highly-skilled Communist Politburo A & R men look for.
The Chinese should have known that we here in the west have no patience for artists who lip-sync, and they would have known if they’d only bothered to Google Milli Vanilli… but then again, behind the Great Firewall, “Milli Vanilli” probably brings you to the Web site of Chinese pop sensations “Production Quotas Gloriously Shattered By Fireworks Factories”… who I imagine won’t be pop sensations next year. They will probably be the first band to fall off the charts with a bullet.
The cutest thing about the lip-sync scandal is how Chinese officials are completely unprepared to answer questions from journalists that aren’t “What am I being charged with? or “Can I at least keep my left foot?” When asked about the whole deal, the dude in charge of the music said:
“The reason was for the national interest,†explained Chen Qigang, general music designer of the opening ceremonies, who revealed the deception Sunday during a radio interview. “The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression.â€
I’ll grant that that would be a tough challenge for the Chinese government. It’s got to be a bitch finding a Chinese youngster who’s flawless in internal feeling and expression since this kid’s “unavailable:”
Look, as a licensed Public Relations Professional in the Republic of Uganda, let me offer the Chinese government some free advice: you’re hosting the Olympics. People don’t give a fuck about fireworks and spectacle, they want to see what Chinese culture’s really like. And trust me: when it comes to little Chinese girls, we know it’s not about throwing them onstage and making them sing about their opportunities in Mother China. Show us what it’s really like growing up female in China:
Actually, I’d dole out for pay-per-view for that kind of show.
[tags]2008 Summer Olympics, China, lip-syncing, Ode to The Motherland, fireworks, Lin Miaoke, Lin Hui, satire, dark humor[/tags]
