Williamstown, Virginia
10:29 p.m.
A female FBI agent drives home through what appears to be the aftermath of a blizzard. She pulls into her garage, and we see a shadowy, menacing figure pass behind her car out of sight.
Female FBI Agent (To herself): Boy, I’m sure glad I made it home through this heavy weather that I’m so good at driving in even though I live in an area that got an eighth of an inch of snow last year! And thank goodness I remembered my Medic-Alert bracelet for a condition that I don’t need to remind myself about!
She gets out of the car, and sees a footprint over her own tire tracks in the snow
Female FBI Agent (To herself): Oh, no; someone’s stalking me! She takes a handheld garden rake off the garage wall. It’s a good thing that I, a trained FBI agent, had this garden tool on hand as a weapon! Otherwise, I don’t know what I’d do! I just wish this heavy, steel, stick thing with a handle that goes “bang” wasn’t under my coat impeding my swing!
A weird looking dude suddenly jumps out! She swings the rake, leaving easy-to-identify wounds on the dude, before completely forgetting her FBI hand-to-hand combat training, being overpowered, and hauled away through the snow.
—————————–
Harriston, VA
8:32 A.M.
30 FBI agents follow a weird looking dude across a frozen lake, with the two commanding agents lagging behind.
Agent Whitney (To Agent Drummy): Aren’t we lucky that local weather conditions here in Virginia froze this lake solid enough for use to walk on?
Suddenly the weird looking dude runs ahead of the agents, drops to his knees, and digs up a cleanly-severed arm with rake wounds on it!
Agent Drummy: Who is this guy again? And why are we following him?
Agent Whitney: This man is a defrocked priest whose done time for the molestation of 37 adolescent boys. He lives in a community with dozens of other convicted predators. He possesses the surgical skill to have castrated himself. He has no alibi for the time of our agent’s disappearance other than the word of other convicts and perverts. So why are we following him? He’s obviously a psychic!
———————————–
Vancouver, British Virginia
7:37 P.M.
Dana Scully enters her house and walks to a tiny office stuffed with newspaper clippings about the paranormal and an “I Want To Believe” poster. Fox Mulder ism wearing ratty clothes and sporting a full beard, is sitting at a desk.
Scully: Mulder, I’m home!
Mulder: Keep it down! I’m arguing on the Internet over whether Chris Carter’ll pull a Moonlighting and drain all the sexual tension that made his show interesting by having the leads hook up!
Scully: Mulder, the FBI came to my workplace today and asked me if I knew where to find you, or what you’ve been doing for the past seven years.
Mulder: Huh. Well, I have a beard and the FBI can’t find me in the most obvious place I could possibly be. I must be a terrorist.
Scully: The FBI wants your help to determine if a psychic is in on a kidnapping.
Mulder: Forget it! The FBI ruined me and have been hunting me as a fugitive for seven years!
Scully: But what about your… sister?
Mulder: My sister’s been dead since season… four? Five, maybe? And she was kidnapped by aliens, not a psychic… right?
Scully: I checked the records. Chris Carter’s check cleared.
Mulder: I’ll get my coat. It’s cold here in Virginia!
—————————–
Siberia, VA
3:45 P.M.
Mulder and Whitney are outside a car that has been buried in a snowbank; the scene of another kidnapping.
Mulder: Look! A Medic Alert bracelet!
Whitney: My God! What does it mean?
Mulder: I’m sure someone will tell us eventually.
Whitney: Hey – where’s Scully?
Mulder: She’s at the hospital where she works, performing an experimental procedure on a kid with brain damage.
Whitney: What’s the procedure?
Mulder: Something called Foreshadowed Parallelism.
——————————
Toronto, VA
9:45 P.M.
Mulder and Whitney are chasing their suspect – a man with a transplanted organ carrier – through a construction site.
Mulder: Hey, you know what I’ve noticed, Whitney? You and Drummy remind me a lot of me and Scully when we started out. You’re a chick and he’s a dude, you believe in the paranormal and he’s a skeptic. Why, if someone wanted to reopen the X-Files and start following their continuing adventures, say, every Sunday at 8 p.m., the groundwork is completely laid with you two! Why, you’d have to be a complete idiot not to see the long-term possibilities, particularly if you haven’t been part of a successful project since the original X-Files! Right? Whitney?
The suspect pushes Whitney into an elevator shaft. The camera pans to the rebar she will land on, making it obvious that there’s no way the idea – I mean agent – will survive.
—————————-
Greenland, VA
10:11 P.M.
Mulder: I smell… smoke?
Scully: Oh my God! Is it Cancer Man?
Mulder: No… Reuter just got bored and left the theater to go have a cigarette.
Scully: So… should we explain about the Medic Alert bracelets now?
Mulder: Maybe. I won’t know for sure until we’re on DVD.
—————————–
Antarctica, VA
11:35 P.M.
Mulder has tracked the suspect back to an organ-stealing, head-transplanting experimental black clinic in the Virginia woods. Suddenly, he is shot full of animal tranquilizer and hauled to a chopping block! The villain raises the axe… and is cold-cocked by a shadowy figure! Who could it be?
Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER!
Mulder: Director Skinner! What are you doing here?
Skinner: Robert Patrick was busy doing a DirectTV commercial.
———————————
Titan, IO, VA
9:32 A.M.
Helicopter shot: Mulder and Scully are in a rowboat on a beautiful ocean with no one in sight for miles and miles.
Scully: My God, Mulder! Is this Aruba? Tahiti?
Mulder: Nope. It’s Virginia. It has a varied and unpredictable climate.
Scully: But… if this is Virginia… where is everybody?
Mulder: In the next theater over, watching The Dark Knight.
Close Credits
[tags]The X-Files, I Want to Believe, Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Chris Carter, movie parody, dark humor, satire[/tags]
