Are You Department of Homeland Security Material? An American Jerk Self-Test

Thank you for your interest in working for the United States Department of Homeland Security (DHS)! Due to a few recent and sudden personnel changes, we have several openings available!

In order to pre-qualify you for our vetting process, please complete the following short self-test!

• If I were to become a ranking member of DHS, I believe my primary responsibility would be:
  1. To maintain constant vigilance and a state of high preparedness in the event of a natural, man-made or terrorist catastrophe.
  2. To do a heckuva job.
  3. To lead children to safety from disaster, guaranteeing they don’t get lost by fastening their hands inside my pants.
• In the event of a catastrophic hurricane which renders local law enforcement ineffective, the equipment that needs to be assembled includes:
  1. Ready-to-eat meals, emergency shelters, tankers of potable water, and semi-amphibious emergency vehicles for last-minute evacuation
  2. Ample communication equipment, particularly televisions, so I can see myself on Fox News
  3. Candy and a van.
• If an e-mail communication threatening a terrorist attack at a public elementary school is received, the appropriate response is:
  1. Immediately contact the school district superintendent to recommend evacuation, advise local law enforcement that federal DHS and FBI personnel are available on demand for assistance.
  2. Practice blaming “Marilyn Manson and his liberal ilk” without stuttering before contacting Rush Limbaugh
  3. OMG LOL!!!!!!1!!1! a/s/l? pic? cyber?
• In order to avert a catastrophe, the best lines of communication to monitor are:
  1. Daily CIA reports of current terrorist chatter verifying no credible threats are imminent.
  2. Daily White House briefings verifying victory in War on Terror is imminent.
  3. MySpace Friends list to verify none of them are actually cops.
• What is your current position of employment?
  1. City or state level emergency response coordinator
  2. City or state level fundraiser for the Republican National Committee
  3. Squirto, The Birthday Party Clown

Thank you for completing this self-test! If you answered “1” to all these questions, congratulations! You are imminently qualified to work at DHS, and we will consider your application following our vetting of your financial records to verify your recent contributions to the Republican National Committee!

If you answered “2” or “3” to these questions, we are sorry, but we cannot accept your application, because clearly you already work here.

[tags]Department of Homeland Security, DHS, Self-Test, Michael Brown, cronyism, corruption, child pornography arrest, statutory rape arrest, dark humor[/tags]