April Fools for Serious People

Yes, I am aware that it’s April Fool’s Day. That’s why I’m locking myself in my house with a case of beer and turning off my phone.

Because today’s the day when everyone tries to be a comedian, and for some reason, they all try to be the worst kind of hack prop act. Even Carrottop has too much self respect to try to milk giggles out of a joy buzzer. Some of us are serious people, and we know that the gratuitous and unexpected use a joy buzzer is only funny if you’ve already tricked the girl into trusting you enough to handcuff her to the bed.

I’m a professional, Goddammit; I have no time for whoopie cushions. And yet I recognize that today, of all days, you want to try to be funny and that it’s too late for you to work out an act. Further, I understand that if you’re looking at this Web site, you appreciate the most viscious forms of grotesque humor… well, you do unless you’re the guy from Greece who found it by Googling “Jerk Me Buddy.” That guy left disappointed. At least I pray he did.

Regardless, if you must be a part of a practical joke today, here’s a step-by-step plan of my recommendation:

1. Pick your target carefully. If at all possible, seek out a chump with a family to support who rarely drinks, and who has poor bladder control and a healthy fear of prison rape. If you’re gonna piss away the time and effort it takes to follow this ridiculous plan, it might as well be on someone who will reach the proper level of desperate hysteria to make it worthwhile.
2. Invite the fucker over and get him drunk. If he turns down a beer, offer him a “coffee milk” (i.e., a Sombrero). By the time he realizes what’s happening to him, you can switch him over to Double White Russians and lower the boom.
   • Under no circumstances should you attempt this part with whiskey or tequila. The point is to put the bastard into a fugue state blackout and unconsciousness as soon as possible, and that becomes difficult when he spends four hours alternating between explaining his mathematical proof that all women are whores and making pretty fires.
3. Once he’s out, drive him home in his car and put him somewhere comfortable, yet believable. I recommend the bathtub.
4. Park his car at an improbable angle, and then:
   • Cave in one of his headlights with a hammer.
   • Pour the contents of a Costco-sized barrel of ketchup into the headlight.
   • Into his front grille, wedge a single, colorful little girl’s barrette.
5. Call the police.

Allow me to point out that if you actually try this plan, you will lose a friend, it will take up most of your day, and you won’t be able to make bail until Monday morning, so if I were you, I wouldn’t try it.

Yeah, just stick with the whoopie cushion. And use that ketchup to fill it. Because we professionals know that it ain’t April Fools Day until someone gets an impromptu ER proctological examinaton.