“The Talk”

“Well Rob, the old girl quit on me. I need to get a new one. Got any suggestions?” he asked.

“Hell, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, you’re going to want to find a girl who meets your needs. Someone who’ll be willing to do the things that you like to do without complaining too much, and who’ll be willing to stick with you for the long haul, so if I were you, I’d head down to the local – ”

“Here’s what I’m thinking, Rob: I’m gonna head out, and the first girl I see? I’m gonna chloroform her, drag her home, and then fuck her in the ass real quick.”

“Um… you sure that’s really a good idea?”

“Yep. Because then I’ll be fucking some broad in the ass right now.”

“Okay, but… what happens if… and by ‘if’ I mean ‘when’… you get her home and find out that she doesn’t want to let the Dark Knight Return?”

“She will. I’m feeling lucky.”

“Yeah, that’s easy to say but… what if you don’t like her when she gets home? What if she won’t stand for you reading your Godforsaken RedState.com all Goddamned day without complaining?”

“Those are valid concerns, Rob. And yet: they stand in the way of my getting a length off in some poon’s Blow All Tanks Valve right this instant.”

“Jesus God, dude… why don’t you at least check out a personal ad or two? Maybe at least try to find a chick who’ll actually complement you.”

“Fuck that. First of all: every second I’m reading personal ads is a second that I’m not blasting my nut into some whore’s heart-shaped box. Second: you start answering ads, next thing you know you’re springing for dinner and buying a ring. Why bother forking over that kind of dough when chloroform’s only 18 clams?”

“Okay… how about this: how about you bring her home, and you find out she’s rocking a colostomy bag? If she physically can’t take it in the ass?”

“Oh, she’ll take the ol’ Dwarf In The Black Lodge. If I’m spending American dollars on the chloroform, she’ll do what I say, and botany be damned.”

“Jesus Chri – all right, how about this: you could get a Russian bride. It won’t cost you anything, and all you have to do to get them to let you hit it in the shitter the is learn how to ask her in a new language.”

“Fuck that. I know American, and if American ain’t good enough for me to get some stink-dick, I ain’t going for it.”

“Okay… the only American girls I know who’ll probably be willing to let you give them the Stewed Poon are Generation Y whores out of Seattle. Talking to them is almost like speaking… American… but you need to buy them a lot of shit up front to get them to put out.”

“Bullshit!” he said, “My last girl coughed up the Mud Clam without too much up-front money!”

“Yeah, but those were the old days. It’s a new generation, my good man! You’ve got two choices: save your cash and learn to speak Russian, or spend a bunch of dough to hear something LIKE English, but with a bunch of slang you’ve never heard. And even if you get to understand it, she’ll still interrupt you every ten fucking seconds to ask you if you’re sure you want to Hang Taint! Those are your only two choices!”

He paused for a second, then said, “Well, thanks for your advice, Rob, but… I think I’m gonna stick with the whole, chloroform – the – first – girl – I – see – and – fuck – her – in – the – ass plan.”

——————————-

If you managed to read this entire exchange, and can still think of arguments against grabbing and boning the first thing he sees, please email me. I need you to give my dad advice about how to go about buying a new fucking computer.

[tags]Windows Vista, Linux, Buying A New Computer For Retards, dark humor[/tags]