The Battle of San Diego
“If we’re going to get Warren Ellis to sign some comics for you, we should go find him now,” I said to my girl on Thursday morning after we circumnavigated the convention center to get our admission laminates.
“Do we need to do it now?” she said. “I’m kind of nervous about meeting him.”
“It’s like you told me last year when I was hesitant about meeting Matt Wagner. You’ll regret it if you don’t do it, and trust me: it’s vastly better that we do this as sooner rather than later.”
“Why?”
“Because if Warren’s writing is any reasonable kind of guideline, he’s a vicious English bastard. And if knowing me for six years is any kind of guide, I’m a vicious American bastard.”
“Yes, but -”
“And if we wait for a couple of days to meet him, by then he’ll have been pawed by countless fat chicks in halter tops and scleral cat eye contacts, and I’ll have been shoulder-checked by my 50th Harry Potter. And then he’ll say something about ‘boorish yanks,’ and then I’ll say something about ‘limey faggots.'”
“I don’t think -”
“And then somebody’s gonna throw a punch, and then the other guy’s gonna punch back, and then both of us will remember that we’re heavy smokers, and simultaneously shower each other in a terrible eruption of gray lung butter.”
“You don’t smoke that -”
“And then we’ll both realize that it’s silly to fight over something as inconsequential as cultural dissonance, and maybe shake hands, and realize that, despite our differences, we both have a common enemy.”
“What in the fuck are you talking -”
“And the next thing you know, you’re wiring home for bail money, and by this afternoon, the front page of Comic Book Resources and Newsarama will be running giant pictures of Warren Ellis and me kicking Darth Vader across the convention floor.”
She paused, then said, “Do you really think that could happen?”
“No,” I said, “But the Ray Harryhausen and Ray Park program starts in half an hour, and I’d really like to make it.” *
The Ray Program
20 IF (audience_question_to == Park) THEN print “I’m thankful to get roles more complex than Darth Maul. I’m just looking to show people what I’m capable of!”
30 IF (panel_elapsed_time <= 60 Minutes) THEN goto 10
We’re Only A Wedding Dress and A Shotgun Away From A Zombie Attack
Audience member: “Will you be going to the Zombie Walk tomorrow night?”
George A. Romero: “What’s a Zombie Walk?”
Audience member: “We get dressed up like zombies, and well… walk around.”
George A. Romero: “Why the fuck do you do that?”
Audience member: “…to honor your work!”
George A. Romero: “What’s the point? It’s bullshit unless you’re eating people! Next question!” **
——————-
* Editor’s Notes: When we did meet Ellis, his eyes were so red-rimmed and bloodshot with jetlag that we didn’t even try to get a picture. Besides, I’ve read Desolation Jones, and I wouldn’t want to even chance capturing that man’s soul.
** While this is paraphrased, I swear to God I did not make this exchange up.
——————
Later today or maybe tomorrow: The Nerd Prom Final Recap, and Cavalcade of Freaks
[tags]San Diego Comic-Con, Nerd Prom, Warren Ellis, Ray Harryhausen, Ray Park, George Romero, Max Brooks, boorish yanks, Goddamned jet lag[/tags]
