Editor’s Note: After I upgraded the software that runs The American Jerk, I noticed new a section in the administrator section labeled “Drafts”. Which I didn’t pay a hell of attention to, even though it listed a few things were stuck in there… until today, when in desperation I took a look to see if there were any old ideas I could cannibalize to mask my inability to come up with a fresh idea today, due to my shame that someone came up with the idea for The Sarah J. Palin Memorial Abortion Fund before I did.
And, well, I found this piece by The American Jerk’s co-founder, that I didn’t even know was there. Whoops. What can I tell you? I drink, and I’m a lazy, lazy man,
So, without any further ado or unforgivable delay, please enjoy this trip back to April, 2007 and understand that “70 hour workweek” was probably shorthand for “an extended, stinking, unshowered bender.”
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Yes, it’s the other guy from the American Jerk–the one lacking Rob’s innate comic wit and timing and who had to make due with jokes about slapping salsa on his balls and adding comments to copyrighted photos I “borrowed” from AP. What can I say? Rob brought the funny–I brought the pictures of my white Polish ass.
I had to write in because, well, you are Rob’s peeps, his homies, his poor huddled masses yearning for sarcasm and links to good porn. Wait–that’s Rob’s, I mean, Steve Bennett’s other website. Anyway, like me you too must have followed recent events and seen the writing on the wall…
February 22nd – Rob posts his last original blog entry.
March 17th – Rob posts an ancient article he wrote with a quick blurb blaming “70 hour workweeks” for the lack of new material.
April 4th – Keith Richards admits to snorting his own father after mixing him with cocaine. Nothing from Rob on this. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
April 12th – Don Imus gets canned by CBS for calling the Rutgers womens basketball team “nappy-headed hos” on-air. Rob’s take? Still waiting.
So I think there is really only one conclusion to draw here, people…Rob is actually a comic book character that came to life when lightning struck an old, discarded Hellblazer issue and now he’s being hunted by the Men Who Formerly Wore Black But Now Wear Teal Because Someone Told the Director’s Wife That Teal Is the New Black. And you and I are the only ones with the time and inclination to start our own manhunt for our buddy, our compadre, that drunken little miscreant we call amigo. Or, you know, “Steve”–depending on what website you…um…nevermind.
No, don’t worry…I’m not asking you guys to tear yourselves away from the computer to actually do anything. Shit, I’m not stupid. Just gimme some money and I’ll hire someone else to look for him. All you have to do is go here and pledge some coin. Then you can go back to reading blogs and posting videos of your ass on YouTube. (I’d like to thank the 5 loyal readers who already volunteered to search the Guinness brewery in Ireland and all the bars in Tijuana. Seriously, you guys–you’re the best. You…complete…me.)
That crap about being “too busy at work”…come on. Sorry, I went to college with the man…Rob couldn’t spell “70 hour workweek” if you spotted him the seven, the zero, the word “hour”, the word “fucking” (sure it’s not in there, but this is Rob we’re talking about), and whatever the last word was. If the dayjob really is the reason for the drought, then I’ve only got one thing to say…
Rolling Stones. Some Girls. Track 7.
Come back to the Dark Side, Luke.
[tags]Don Imus, Keith Richards, Sarah Palin, Doug Stanhope, dark humor, satire[/tags]
