Are You Astronaut Material?

Thank you for your interest in becoming an astronaut for NASA! As you are no doubt aware, competition to become an astronaut is fierce. The responsibility of being an astronaut is huge; not only will you be responsible for the operation of the most advanced, state of the art spacecraft that the Carter Administration has to offer, but you will be considered a role model to the tens of young NASA enthusiasts.

It takes a special person to strap themselves into a liquid oxygen-filled bomb that is completely controlled by the unparalleled computing power of a VIC-20*, so complete this self test to see if you have what it takes!

*If selected for a mission, do not touch the VIC-20.

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• At T+55 seconds into launch, the flight computer warns that the vehicle is approaching apogee at a sub-orbital point 15 knots below objective altitude. In order to complete your mission, you should plot:
  1. A course with 20 percent additional thrust and a 90-degree roll which will extend apogee to an acceptable orbital position.
  2. We told you not to touch the VIC-20.
  3. Revenge.
• If selected, you will be asked to select a callsign that reflects your personality. The callsign that best reflects you is:
  1. “Robochick”
  2. “Bi-Polar Betty”
  3. “Pissypants McGee”
• Complete this sentence: I am qualified to be an astronaut because I have:
  1. The Right Stuff to be pilot
  2. Been rightly stuffed by the pilot
  3. The Wrong Prescription
• During my career as an astronaut, the mission I believe that I am most destined to to emulate is:
  1. Mercury 6
  2. Apollo 13
  3. Zodiac
• During maneuvers to dock with the International Space Station, you are required to apply 20 percent maneuvering thrusters in order to match ISS rotation, which will degrade orbit if maintained for more than fifteen minutes. As you approach the ISS, you notice that an unexpected Soyuz has maintained connection at your expected dock point. The best course of action is:
  1. Contact the ISS and request emergency undock of the Soyuz while applying 20 percent counterthrust to stabilize your orbit.
  2. Contact the appointed head of NASA, who will advise you that the current administration’s position is the science hasn’t proven there is any such thing as a Soyuz.
  3. Begin weeping and mace the Soyuz.

Time to score yourself! If you answered most question with “1”, congratulations! You are clearly well-qualified and and highly motivated to pilot cutting-edge spacecraft! Therefore, here’s a quarter so you can call Richard Branson, or anyone else who might give a fuck! Because if you had a brain in your head, you’d know that NASA has no time for people who fly spacecraft.

If you answered most questions with “2”, well, you, sir or madam, are no steely-eyed, jut-jawed hero that the public expects from their astronauts. However, NASA’s recent budgets have led to our new motto of “Better, Faster, Cheaper”, at at least we’re pretty sure we can get you on the cheap. Welcome aboard, and if you see a Martian on the Opportunity’s monitor screen, try not to poke it with the atmospheric probe.

If you answered most questions with “3”, congratulations on your career as an astronaut! We believe you are destined to bring the public’s image of the astronaut into the new millennium, showing people what NASA can do for someone under constant, crippling pressure with a willingness to learn how to create master plans for every contingency!*

*That said, if your “Master Plan” includes a diaper? You are clearly not Keyser Sose. Before leaving Johnson Space Center, please see white paper “1962_Dec_Chloroforming_Whores.pdf” by Gordo Cooper.

[tags]Lisa Marie Nowak, NASA, astronauts, Colleen Shipman, Bill Oefelein, diapers, The Wrong Stuff, pepper spray, dark humor[/tags]