Hi. I’m Rob Reuter, editor of The American Jerk. I’m not a doctor, but I am worshipped as a god in Papua New Guinea. The pygmies call me Fire Bringer, because I breathe smoke, and because I can’t get them to stop their damned glotteral clicking enough to be able to pronounce “Godzilla”. But I digress.
Are you one of the thirty-five million Americans suffering with painful irritation caused by co-workers yammering at you at your cubicle all day long? If so, you’re not alone. Do your symptoms include:
- Persistent nausea caused by feigning interest in Human Resources Jane’s graphic anecdotes and computer generated photographs of her amniocentesis?
- Loose bowels following the realization that the “secret ingredient” in the receptionist’s peanut butter cookies is “cat hair”?
- Shaking hands associated with listening to IT Steve’s theory that “the island in Lost is purgatory,” even though the writers on the show told Ain’t It Cool News that the island isn’t purgatory, and you showed that fucker Steve that article yourself, and not only is the law against you if you blow his fucking head off, but you also suffer from:
- Shrunken testicles, preventing you from engaging in a shootout with the police after “solving your co-worker problem”?
Well, then maybe Influenzaâ„¢’s right for you!
Influenzaâ„¢ interfaces with your own immune system, and creates a difficult-to-penetrate virtual bubble around you and your desk that repels the intrusion of foreign co-workers. It’s all-natural, and in the event you’re exposed to a irritating, unwanted co-worker, Influenzaâ„¢ instantly bonds to that co-worker, utterly incapacitating them in a matter of hours! Plus, Influenzaâ„¢ locks on to that co-worker, causing them to naturally incapacitate every other co-workers in a geometrically expanding pattern, leaving you protected and infection free!
Influenzaâ„¢ is not right for everyone. People who smoke should not use Influenzaâ„¢, because every puff of a cigarette will cause searing pain. Influenzaâ„¢ should not be used by pregnant women, or men who are hoping to impregnate a woman because she will not fuck you, even for pity or the purposes of revenge.
Side effects of Influenzaâ„¢ may include diarrhea, nasal congestion, chest congestion, chills, fever, loss of appetite, libido, lunch, and will to live. Influenzaâ„¢ should not be used by people taking MAO Inhibitors, even though we don’t know what MAO Inhibitors are, because according to other pharmaceutical commercials, nothing should be taken with MAO Inhibitors, including Aspirin, meat and oxygen.
Ask your doctor if Influenzaâ„¢ is right for your co-worker problem. He’ll say no, but that’s easy for a guy who has access to nitrous oxide and Oxy when his manager gets pissy with him to say.
Influenzaâ„¢! From the makers of Pandemicâ„¢! It’s biological warfare for the rest of us!
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…Yeah, I’ve been sick all week. What’s your point?
[tags]viral marketing, influenza, flu, shitty co-workers, dark humor[/tags]
