Blow Me

For all our readers who live overseas (And how you both doing, anyway?), you can finally relax, because now it’s official: we are now demonstrably and measurably a nation of pussies.

From Las Vegas, Nevada, in the good old U.S. of A: allow me to introduce… Cocaineâ„¢ Energy Drink.

WARNING – USE AT YOUR OWN RISK! Side-effects are associated with this product – Extreme amounts of energy! *Warning – this beverage should be consumed by responsible adults. Failure to adhere to this warning may result in excess excitement, stamina, fun and possible feeling of euphoria.

Allow me to be the first to say that if you drink this product, I hope that you’re assaulted by a twitchy crackhead who steals your iPod and your Lance Armstrong Courage bracelet and your Swatch and whatever other trendy bullshit accessories you’re invariably going to be carrying.

What bothers me about this product is: serious people who want a cocaine-style rush won’t be using this product. They’ll be using cocaine, the way God and Keith Richards intended.

The people who will be using this product will be poseur-bubblegummer high school kids who want to be able to say that they’re using Cocaineâ„¢. And if that’s the kind of fake douchebag you want to be, fine… but keep in mind that this shit is nothing but caffeinated sugar water. Good luck convincing someone you’re a cocaine afficianado with your giant, pale, sugar-bloated belly. By then you’ll have better luck convincing your friends that your insulin’s actually crystal meth.

Listen to your Uncle Rob, kids: walking into a party with a big can that says “Cocaineâ„¢” is exactly like walking into a party with a big bottle of barbecue sauce that says “Jack Daniel’s.” It’s not as cool as the name would lead you to believe. And God help your MySpace Friend count if someone sees you drinking it. Now go fetch Uncle Rob some more tequila, you acne-scarred, unfuckable little geeks, and don’t you dare try and tell me about your “girlfriend in Canada.”

With all that said, I will stipulate that there is one good thing about the fact that someone’s selling sugar water named Cocaineâ„¢: I can sue the fuck out of them for false advertising.

“Your Honor, the hooker put Cocaineâ„¢ in her mouth before she serviced me, and after she left, fireants mercilessly savaged my testicles. Then I tried to rub Cocaineâ„¢ into my gums to numb the pain and my teeth rotted out. I want seventeen million dollars.”

God bless America.

[tags]Cocaine Energy Drink, Red Bull competitors, dark humor[/tags]