Editor’s Note: Katie Couric’s first broadcast as anchor of The CBS Evening News was last night, and at it’s conclusion, she issued the average American viewer the following invitation:
“One of the questions everyone asks a new anchor is, “What’s your sign off going to be?” Walter Cronkite had the most famous nightly farewell, “And that’s the way it is.” Edward R. Murrow used, “Good night and good luck.” Well, it’s a new era here at The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric and Katie thinks maybe you folks on the other side of the screen might have some good ideas for what her own sign-off should be.”
I don’t want it said about me that I’m not the type to drop everything to leap to the aid of a $15,000,000 dollar-a-year professional broadcaster who’s apparently too cheap to hire a PR flack to write her a hook. At least I don’t want it said until that pesky little community service requirement’s taken care of.
- I’m Katie Couric, thank you for watching the CBS Evening News, where I give you two reasons to tune in.
- For Christ’s sake, people; they Photoshopped Rather’s back fat too.
- Even though I currently make $43.71 per second, for an even fifty I’ll let you come in my mouth.
- I’m Katie Courage… Couric. Wait; I fucked that up…
- Please join me again tomorrow night for another thirty minutes of gleeful stomping on Bob Schieffer’s dreams.
- We know you have a choice in news programs, but if you call this as a “broad” cast one more time, I’ll gut you like a pig.
- I’m Katie Couric, bitch.
- I’m not saying anything else without my lawyer here.
- I’m Katie Couric, and my news dumps don’t stink.
- On behalf of all of here at CBS News, I’m the reason Bryant Gumbel’s mostly incontinent.
- I’m Katie Couric. If I leave heeerrree to-moooooo-rowwwww….
- That’s our show, and as promised: here’s girls on trampolines… in breaking news, I’m told that due to copyright issues, here instead is Walter Cronkite gasping and shivering on a treadmill.
- Thanks for being with me tonight, as every night, I Norvilled Sheiffer. Norvilled him right in his stupid pooper.
- That concludes our broadcast. Honey: sedate the rugrats and uncork the Robitussin; Mama’s rolling home with the poon.
[tags]Katie Couric, CBS Evening News, Walter Cronkite, Deborah Norville, Bob Schieffer, Dan Rather, Photoshop, dark humor, satire[/tags]
