Hey Man, Nice Shot

My appointment for a flu shot is two weeks from today, and I am counting the fucking days. In the meantime, I find myself listening for sniffles to avoid at the office and washing my hands like an OCD patient with the intensity of a man who found out too late after a night of whiskey and Italian street sausage that there were only two squares of toilet paper in the stall.

I am enthusiastic about my appointment with a painful injection because I’ve gotten the flu for the past two winters straight. I made fun of the experience on the first go-round, but for the record, I wrote that a day before my fever spiked and I lost my voice for about a week. Which, although uncomfortable, at least pleased my girl to no end: “How about another episode of Iron Chef? If you object, please say so.”

“Nhhhhhht Irhhhhhhn Chhhhhf!”

“Iron Chef it is!”

“…Fhhhhhk Yhhhhu.”

I skipped the chortles on last year’s bout because… well to be fair, mostly because I was lazy (Check the Archives dropdown for the shameful September 2007 to February 2008 gap). But also because by the fourth day of 102 plus fever, I had bronchitis bad enough that I horked up bright bloody wads three mornings in a row. Which is hilarious when you see a wino or a rich uncle with a favorable will do it, but is somehow slightly less funny when you see it come out of your fifteen-years-of-two-packs-a-day lungs.

So I’m not a big fan of needles, but: if you’re telling me that I don’t need to spend a week shivering under blankets unless I decide to sample some homemade Vietnamese Bee Whiskey? That something can keep me from needing to get a chest x-ray and spending a weekend grinding my teeth waiting for some radiologist to tell me if I have emphasema? Sign me up, science! You say it’s a dead vaccine? Who gives a fuck! I don’t care if it’s a mix of bat urine and Ron Jeremy cum, let me roll up my sleeve!

Thank God I live in a country so advanced and progressive that we have the technology where everybody can obtain simple injections to wipe out the potential of contracting debilitating diseases! Where only the most foolish and superstitious could possibly turn their backs on the miracles of modern medicine and subject their children to…

What’d you say? Ah, fuck.

As flu season approaches, many New Jersey parents are furious over a first-in-the-nation requirement that children get a flu shot in order to attend preschools and day-care centers. The decision should be the parents’, not the state’s, they contend.

This is, of course, all about the autism. I know parents with new kids who agonize over whether or not to get their kids vaccinated because “science says that vaccinations might cause autism.” And I always tell those parents that everyone has the right to their opinion… that way they won’t kick me in the balls when I call them reactionary, uninformed retards.

First of all, “science” doesn’t say that vaccinations might cause autism; one dude said that maybe, maybe, one vaccine might cause autism. And considering that dude’s research was partially funded by lawyers who were looking to link vaccines to autism for a lawsuit, actually believing him is roughly the same as believing that the stripper you tipped big actually likes you. Which is fine to believe… but I wouldn’t recommend following her to her car after closing time unless you’ve got the good health insurance and aren’t married to the idea of having two testicles forever.

Second, one of the basic tenets of science is that correlation does not equal causation. Yes, some kids got some vaccines and were then diagnosed with autism. However, I personally got all my vaccinations, and I am a functioning alcoholic with a tiny dick. And I’ve got news for you: it wasn’t the vaccinations. I’m just Irish.

But that doesn’t stop people from going off half-cocked:

Margulis said she worked hard to boost her children’s own resistance to disease. She nursed two of her kids past the age of 4 and said she makes sure they eat healthful foods and get regular exercise. She believes her children’s systems are strong enough to tolerate –

Wait… what was that?

She nursed two of her kids past the age of 4

Awesome! Good work! Your actions mean that your kids’ll have full intelligence and control of their facilities! Which means they won’t be able to plead insanity after they get picked up for chopping up hookers because “They were selling God’s special food bags.”

Look, parents: having a kid is a gamble. Yeah, there’s a chance that they can get the autism, just like they could get the Muscular Dystrophy or the Altar Boy Anal Leakage. Shit happens.

But let’s say you don’t get your kid his vaccinations, and sure enough, he doesn’t get autism. So you proudly take your beautiful, normal child to the playground, and he swings on the same swing as the child of an illegal immigrant who can’t afford vaccinations. And two days later you get a call from your kid’s school saying he’s pushing a 104 fever and he’s got blotches all over his face. So you take your kid to the hospital where they diagnose measles and push IV fluids, and he gets a staph infection at the injection site. And the infection goes necrotic, and it turns out it’s antibiotic resistant, so they have no choice but to lop your kid’s arm off at the shoulder. And while he’s recovering from that, he gets a nice dose of polio, and his left leg shrinks up like a cheap novelty t-shirt in a hot dryer. And, since hospitals are a nexus of disease, he picks up the whooping cough, which blows out his larynx and ruins his dream of being a rock star. And while you’re crying over your wheelchair-ridden, one-armed mute son, the cops kick open the door because – surprise – your kid’s teacher was allergic to the measles vaccine, so she picked it up and stroked out due to her high fever! So as the cops are clapping you in irons and dragging you away for Involuntary Manslaughter, your last view of your boy is of him scrawling on the white board he’ll use to communicate for the rest of his life: “I hate you, mom.”

So young mothers: get your kids their shots and shut the fuck up. Or go ahead and keep on believing every stupid fucking thing you read… such as the fact that my studies show that my penis heals the sick and bestows everlasting life, but only if you remember to bring a twelve-pack.

[tags]autism, vaccines, science, dark humor, satire[/tags]