Dear American.com –
I am confused. I thought that after Congress passed the bailout bill last Friday, the stock market would recover based on the knowledge that the shaky mortgage-backed securities that precipitated the current credit crisis would be taken off their hands. Instead, yesterday – the first trading day after the bailout they screamed for – the Dow was down almost 800 points for a while! Why is the market reacting in this way? Are my investments safe?
Baffled in Boise
Dear Baffled in Boise:
Thanks for your letter, although I think you sent it to the wrong address. American.com specializes in sober reflection on the economy; The American Jerk specializes in shitfaced sniggering at donkey cock jokes. However, I will attempt to answer your question, since I need to write about something today and have no good drinking stories from last night due to the complete blackout and utter lack of dried, flaked blood underneath my fingernails this morning.
The bailout bill probably would have saved the stock markets a week and a half ago when it was nothing but a blank check to take the mortgage-backed crap off their hands so they could get back to trading other weird, purely theoretical shit like, I don’t know… tachyon futures? Alien abduction insurance? Actually, given recent history, more likely bodily fluids, but I digress.
Anyway, yeah; the original plan was something familiar to degenerate alcoholics everywhere: get rid of the bad shit so you can get back to the serious boozing. Or more succinctly: first you must boot, then you must rally. Which is fine as short-term schemes go… provided that you understand that you need to keep the whole “booting” part of the plan on the down low. Because serious people understand that getting caught yakking by the bartender gets you shut off, which not only will nip the whole “rally” part of the deal, but which will also, trust me, will totally ruin your Monday morning.
But the Wall Streeters apparently skipped that part of the plan, so the bailout bill swirled down the bowl last Monday when the House of Representatives spiked the original bill after nine out of ten voters checked in to let their reps know that a bailout was less slightly desirable than repeatedly bashing bankers in the head with the bucket. For the Wall Street types, it must have been like waking up after a three-day Labor Day bender and finding “I know what you did last summer” written on the Benz’s windshield in fresh blood… and that Jennifer Love Hewitt in a soaked white Hanes t-shirt in a rainstorm is much more titillating than, say, themselves in soaked Hugo Boss boxer-briefs under a clear blue sky.
By Wednesday there wasn’t a politician in America who wasn’t screaming for regulation, not even Sarah Palin, who two weeks ago thought “regulation” was part of a snowmobile’s fuel injection system. By Friday Wall Street got their bailout, but instead of a blank check it included oversight, caps on CEO bonuses, and the promise of future regulation that would force them to trade stuff that, I don’t know, actually fucking exists.
So after around twenty-eight years of partying like rock stars, Wall Street bankers finally took a look at the crowd and realized that they weren’t waving cigarette lighters, they were jabbing the thumbs-down signal… and that thanks to the election in November, they are about thirty days away from being taught that their names are, in fact, Toby. So of course they cashed out yesterday. After all, money in the stock market is only a good long-term bet when the market is sound, production is up, and your assets aren’t subject to seizure as part of a felony plea agreement.
And there will be plea agreements, Baffled in Boise, make no mistake. These morons are already getting dragged in front of Congress, and a federal dock won’t be far behind. And Court TV will be kicking themselves that they switched to Tru TV, thus denying themselves delicious coverage of former millionaires in orange polyester jumpsuits protesting that their rotten fake investments looked good in their computer models. Of course, the average American understands computer models are bullshit. Because our computers model big-titted pornstars all the time, but we know that if we tried to actually jump into bed with one of them that it would only end in either clawed-out eyes or an itching, dripping chancre.
I wouldn’t want to cause a panic, Baffled in Boise, but since you only comprise about 1/7 of our readership, I feel comfortable in telling you that you are fucked. Your investments are worthless, and you should have known better than to put your money into something where the only FDIC that applies to you stands for Fucking Dicked In Crapper. Take whatever you have left and invest it in rope, a chair, and a stud finder so you can locate good load-bearing members in your house, at least while you still have a house.
For our regular readers, don’t worry: you’ll be fine, provided you followed my long-standing example to invest most of your money in hardy, rapid growth futures, such as liver and lung damage.
[tags]Wall Street Crash, Dow Jones, bailout bill, stock market collapse, dark humor, satire[/tags]
