Ratfucking Us

“It says here that 10,000 people cancelled their subscriptions to US Magazine over the Sarah Palin story,” my girl mentioned conversationally while surfing the laptop next to me on the couch.

“What? What story? You didn’t bring that trash rag into the house this week.”

“Us Magazine ran a cover story about Sarah Palin and all the scandals she’s involved in. This article says that 10,000 people decided to spike their subscriptions because of it.”

“Uh-huh. Where’s the article from?”

“It’s the gossip column on MSNBC.com.”

“Right. Okay, this story is bullshit, and here’s why: first, we’re talking aout a gossip column reporting on a gossip sheet. That’s like Paris Hilton calling Britney Spears a whore. Or any other woman a whore. Or any other living human being a whore. Or, in fact, any dead – ”

“I get the point,” my girl said, “Jesus, you’re mouthy when you’re drunk.”

“Yeah, I’m always mouthy. Anyway. Second, I refuse to believe that any Republican, let alone 10,000 US Magazine subscribers, is so excited about Sarah Palin that they canceled their shitty celebrity fix.”

“Yeah, but it says here that McCain and Palin got a five or six point bounce out of the Convention,” my girl said.

“Who gives a shit? That’s only because they’ve been preempting Dancing With the Stars for a week. It’s nothing but rote repetition; if the Republican ticket was Jeffrey Dahmer / Anna Nicole Smith they’s be up because that’s all they’ve heard about all week. If they put Diamond Joe Quimby as a poll option, he’d get ninety percent because they’ve been hearing ‘Vote Quimby’ every night at 6:30 since 1992.”

“Well, they’re sure as hell acting excited,” my girl said.

“Yeah, but it’s Phantom Menace excitement.”

“What the hell are you jabbering about?” she asked.

“Look: back in ’97, there wasn’t a Star Wars geek alive who wasn’t rocking chub over Episode I. Lucas released a trailer, and it looked like it was what everyone was starved for: lightsaber duels, space dogfights, and blaster battles.

“Then the movie came out on a Wednesday, and everyone called out sick with Skywalking Pneumonia to check it out. By Thursday, people were saying, ‘Well, it’s probably not as good as Empire, but it’s still awesome!’ By Friday, people were bitching that Jar Jar set back the admittedly unpopular cause of greasy, flatulent aliens to pre-Star Trek levels, and that Darth Maul should’ve been wearing a red shirt.

“By Monday, every nerd with an Internet connection was screaming that George Lucas had raped their childhood, and was prepared to hunt Jake Lloyd down to his schoolyard, where even the other kids wouldn’t let him play Anakin Skywalker, just to stab him in the balls.”

“…What does that have to do with anything?” my girl asked.

“Today is Wednesday for the GOP. Palin says all the right shit in a tightly-controlled trailer release, and she looks like the Star Wars that Republicans have been waiting for since Obi-Ron Kenobi became more powerful than you can possibly imagine by giving up his bowel control and memory of breakfast.

“But pretty soon, they’re gonna have to prop her up in front of some reporter to tell the whole story. And when she has to start denying that she tried to fire her brother-in-law, and that she took the money for the Bridge to Nowhere, and that even if Bristol wanted an abortion, the nearest clinic’s 850 miles away, she might as well start every fucking sentence with ‘Meesa.'”

“I guess that makes some sense,” my girl said.

“Damn right; I’ve had about thirteen bottles of wisdom this afternoon. Anyway, third: there is no way on God’s green earth that 10,000 US Weekly subscribers independently decided to cancel their subscriptions. Let’s face it: probably 70 percent of Us Weekly subscribers are Middle-American waddlemoms who rely on it to show them that celebrities are just like them, minus the empty, futureless lives, pack of screaming kids and processed cheese food.”

“That’s a little harsh,” my girl said, “After all, I read Us Weekly.”

“Yeah, but you don’t read it thinking it’s serious news that deserves getting worked up about… and frankly, neither does anyone else. If people are actually cancelling their subscriptions over this, it’s because someone’s telling them to. Gimme that laptop.”

I Googled “Boycott Us Weekly”. “Look at this,” I said, “Right up top is, go figure: boycottusweekly.com. Let’s take a look at it… see? Nowhere does it say who’s running the site or who owns it. This stinks of a ratfuck. Let’s see who’s behind the scenes.”

I did a whois search on boycottusweekly.com. “It’s registered to someone called Proxy Inc. Betcha they’re some kind of stealth domain service… yup. That means it’s not one of the usual suspects like Dobson or Donohue behind it.”

“How do you know?” my girl asked.

“Name me one time those spastics have done something and not had their name on it. I’m surprised Focus on the Family doesn’t issue a press release every time Dobson takes a runny dump. Frankly, I’m still shocked that Bill Donohue hasn’t publicly denounced the fact that you can’t enter a church in Grand Theft Auto IV, even to shoot the place up.”

“Good point.”

“Anyway, let’s ping it and see what the server thinks it’s named… something called ‘secureserver.net’. Let’s see who the fuck they are when they’re in their underpants at home… something called Wild West Domains. Yet another blind alley, but go figure! A blind alley based in McCain’s home state.

“So, in a nutshell, we’ve got someone enraged, I say, ENRAGED! over Us Magazine, but who doesn’t want to be identified, get their face on Fox News and become the envy the the Elks Lodge. Which means it’s the party or the campaign, guaranteed.”

“Well, one person knows,” my girl said, “Michelle Malkin. It says on the Boycott site that she gave them permission to use a picture. Why don’t you email her and ask her?”

“Fuck that. First of all, if she responds at all, she’ll just publish my email address. I get enough misspelled emails from droolers offering to enhance my wang, I don’t need to get more telling me I’m going to hell. Second, you know that old saw, ‘Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster?'”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, well, she’s a cunt. And I don’t want to have, or be, or sell, or process… um… why are there two of you? And stop spinning!”

“That’s it: I’m putting you to bed.”

[tags]Sarah Palin, John McCain, Michelle Malkin, Boycott Us Weekly, ratfucking, The Phantom Menace, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]