People for the Ethical Treatment of Carnivores

By Rob Reuter

OUR MISSION: People for the Ethical Treatment of Carnivores (PETCA) is the largest organization for the protection of our meat-eating rights in the world. Founded in 1999, PETCA operates under the simple principle that: "Animals are ours to do any damn thing we want to with, including eating them or dressing them in funny suits for our personal amusement. If animals don’t like it, let them fucking vote against it."

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

"What do you mean by ‘carnivore rights’?"

Carnivore rights means that people who eat meat deserve certain kinds of consideration – such as not having red paint thrown on them, and not having photographs of butchered carcasses shoved under their noses at McDonald’s. We’re trying to eat here, and only a fool believes that there’s any actual meat in a Quarter Pounder.

"Animal rights" activists believe that we carnivores are criminals for enjoying filet mignon and wearing leather trenchcoats since they believe that animals should have the same rights as we humans. However, we would like to point out that we would have no problem wearing a coat made out of activist skin so long as the price was right.

"Should animals have any rights?"

Sure! They should have the same rights as any human being! If an animal wants to file charges against a person for eating them, let them testify in open court! But we can’t be held responsible if animals are too lazy to work within the system.

"What about plants?"

As a hard and fast rule, carnivores consider vegetables to be filler, wasting space on a plate that could be taken up by more meat. However, we are willing to kill and eat plants since no one likes scurvy. Unfortunately, please note that a petunia dressed in a tutu is not nearly as funny as a monkey dressed the same way.

"Some animal rights activists say that Jesus was a vegetarian. Is that true?"

Certain animal rights organizations believe that Jesus was a vegetarian because none of the books of the Gospel written immediately after His death mention Him eating meat or fish. We would like to point out that none of them mention Jesus taking a dump, either.

"It’s fine for you to believe an carnivore rights, but you shouldn’t tell people what to do."

You are confusing us with some animal rights groups. We don’t give a fuck what you do. You never hear of animal rights activists getting the blood of Ben & Jerry thrown on them for wearing Birkenstocks, do you?

"Do you actually condone eating meat raised on ‘factory farms’, where tens of thousands of animals are overcrowded to the point they can’t even turn around?"

Absolutely. First of all, what do they want to turn around for? One concrete wall looks the same as the other. Second of all, let’s say you open the doors to one of those farms and release 20,000 chickens. Do you think the police are equipped to handle a gang of 20,000 pissed off chickens roaming through town? It would be worse than a Hell’s Angels invasion, because chickens don’t listen to reason. For the sake of our wives and our daughters, just eat the goddamned chicken and shut up.

"How does PETCA feel about animal rights activists breaking into laboratories to free the animals inside?"

While we’re all for breaking and entering as well as other forms of honest burglary, we cannot condone terrorist acts on animal laboratories, and we support animal testing.

Don’t get us wrong, no one likes the dark, grainy video released by animal rights activists of cute little bunny rabbits getting makeup sprayed in their eyes for testing purposes. However, the alternative is untested makeup, and we guarantee you, you would like a crystal clear, well lit, Super VHS video of Yasmine Bleeth screaming and clawing out her makeup-scorched eyes live on Joan Rivers’s E! Emmy fashion special even less.

Please remember: the alternative to animal testing is human testing, and several dozen Nazis were prosecuted in Nuremberg for that. Or even worse; do you think you’d like to go to the doctors, be prescribed a drug, ask the doc if it’ll cure you and be told: "Well… we sorta want to watch you and see what happens before we say for sure. Either it’ll cure you or you’ll grow three or four tits on the back of your neck"? Keep shooting up those rats, doc. God bless you.

"Where does the carnivore rights movement stand on abortion?"

Are you suggesting that we eat human fetuses? There are laws against libel in this country, you sick bastard.

While there are people on both sides of the abortion issues in the carnivore rights movement, our members generally say that any medical procedure that could prevent us from having to spend an extended period of time with an infant is okay with us.

"Some animal rights groups say that fishing is cruel."

Keep in mind some of these same people say that Linda McCartney was more than marginally talented.

Some activists say that fishing is cruel because fish can feel pain in a similar way to human beings. However, please remember that fish only have sequential, real-time memory of about ten or twelve seconds. A fish’s brain is, after all, the size of a sperm sample.

Because of this short memory, a fish would be traumatized by biting into a barbed hook… for about twelve seconds. After that, it would go back to its fish buddies and say, "Hey guys, if you see a worm just floating in the water, just be careful, because… hey! Free worm! I got dibs!" Nobody’s forcing the fish to eat the hook, okay? Any animal not introspective enough to question why an earthworm is floating in the middle of a lake deserves to be puréed into scrod.

"Is it true that a diet high in meat can cause impotence?"

Who cares? No matter what you eat, a diet high in Viagra can cause boners.

Latest Issue Table of Contents

November, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Not Tonight, I'm Too Drunk   Olympia Dukakis' Breasts

Month In Pictures   Kiddie Korner

Poetry Slam-O-Rama   Ethical Treatment of Carnivores   Useful Indiscretion   eJerk

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999, 2000 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq.