EDITOR’S NOTE: The movie nut Web sites have been abuzz all week over the apparent leak of a Raiders of The Lost Ark story conference transcript between George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and screenwriter Lawence Kasdan. Which makes for an interesting read if you can get past the fact that it’s almost definitely a fanboy hoax. After all, it’s been up for more than two days at the same location without being Cease and Desisted into oblivion, plus it’s supposedly a transcript of a conversation with George Lucas, and yet the phrases, “Merchandising possibilities”, “The power of myth”, and “Let’s rape Reuter’s childhood” don’t appear once.
However, The American Jerk’s unofficial mascot and bagman, Ken MacDonald, has forwarded us what he insists is the actual transcript of the Raiders story conference. “Don’t ask me where I got it,” he wrote in his email, “I had a dream about Steven Spielberg and George Lucas fingercuffing the Nazi chick from Last Crusade, and when I woke up, there was blood on my keyboard and this file on my desktop.”
So in the interest of what we would like to appear as accuracy, excerpts from the almost kinda certainly actual Raiders story conference follow. “G” is probably George Lucas, “S” is maybe Steven Spielberg, and “L” is what we wrote to sound like Lawrence Kasdan.
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G – I was thinking that this old guy could have been his mentor. He could have known this little girl when she was just a kid. Had an affair with her when she was eleven.
L – And he was forty-two.
G – He hasn’t seen her in twelve years. Now she’s twenty-two. It’s a real strange relationship.
S – She had better be older than twenty-two.
G – Why? What’s the problem?
S – We can’t make the hero a Goddamned pederast, George.
G – What? Maybe it’s not Smith’s fault. Some eleven year old girls look very mature. Check this out: Jar Jar! Come in here!
L – Jesus Christ! Are you keeping jailbait locked up in your basement?
G – She’s not jailbait. She’s Veet… Vee-Yat…
S – Vietnamese?
G – Yeah. I can never pronounce that word, what with the Ketamine. I just call them “Ewoks”.
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G – Anyway, he goes through a series of really spooky scary things.
S – What we’re just doing here, really, is designing a ride at DisneyLand.
G – All these sort of silent things that are in there. I know what one of those things was, it was poison sticks that were put into the walls. If you spring something, it shoots out. They’re all over the place. He sees one, he does one — twing! Then he looks around and the whole room is a sort of honeycomb.
S – That’s a great idea… I have a great idea. When he goes into the cave, it’s not straight. The whole thing is on an incline on the way in. He grabs the thing, comes to a corridor. There is a giant boulder that’s form-fitted to roll down the corridor coming right at him. And it’s a race. He gets to outrun the boulder. This boulder is the size of a house. It destroys everything in it’s path.
G – Sure. We can call it Belushi. God knows you couldn’t get out of his way.
(Laughter)
S – He gave me a PixyStick that made my whole head numb and tingly. And then I woke up with Amy Irving.
L – And you let him get away with that? Pussy.
S – Just wait until March 5th, smart guy.
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S – What if the guy who’s bringing the tray of food’s laced everything with poison. He brings it in and sets it down, and they’re wrapped up in conversation, but the food is always there with this implied threat. At one point Smith would take the chicken and just start gesturing with it. He’s too caught up to eat it. He’s not paying attention and this cat jumps up on the table and nibbles on the food. The cat freaks, just goes crazy and jumps up. Climbs up the walls. He says. “I’m not going to eat this.”
L – What if it’s an animal we hate? An animal the audience can’t stand. It’s always after our hero and doesn’t like him very much, like a mongoose.
G – A monkey is a perfect thing.
S – What animal don’t people like?
L – A rat.
S – A pet rat.
G – It should be a monkey.
L – He’s looking the other way, the rat comes up.
S – That’s a pretty brave rat.
G – Guys! It should be a Monkey! A cute, cuddly monkey!
S – Fine, George. We’ll make it a fucking monkey. But we’re going to make it a Nazi monkey, and we’re going to kill it.
G – What? Why?
S – So you can’t make a Goddamned stuffed animal out of it. This is about the film, George. It’s about art. There’s no room for merchandising in this project.
G – …Get out of my home.
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L – Look guys, I’m just the screenwriter, and I’m here to interpret your story. If you’re gonna have a disagreement on this kind of scale, I don’t think it’s my place to be the guy to try to resolve it.
S – Shut the fuck up, get on your knees, grab the ruler and start measuring, typewriter monkey.
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S – Can the Frenchman die in Indy’s arms, terribly burned beyond recognition? “I’ve seen the face of God.”
G – No. Anyone who gazes on the face of God should explode. Smith and the girl should only survive because they didn’t look.
L – How come?
G – Because if you can see past the creation to the actual actions and motivations of its creators? It ruins the whole fucking creation.
[tags]Raiders of The Lost Ark, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Indiana Jones, dark humor, satire, parody[/tags]
