Dawn of Dynamiting The Living Dead

This past weekend, I discovered a simple solution to overhaul the Social Security and Medicaid prescription benefits plans. Not only does my plan keep benefits stable to appease Democrats, it reduces costs to make Republicans all giggly inside.

All we need to do is pick any arbitrary Sunday morning at 10:30, and without warning, simultaneously dynamite every McDonald’s in the country into rubble. You’ll kill every benefit-collecting old person in America. Actually, that might be overkill; based on what I saw when I went into my local McStink yesterday morning, just blowing up that one might be enough. Because they were all the old people were in there.

I only go into McDonald’s when two conditions are met: I have a crippling, weeping, drooling hangover that requires a push of 200 cc’s of beef and pork tallow stat, and when my girlfriend, who normally enjoys cooking, is in an even worse condition. So yesterday, I staggered into my local McDonald’s looking for McMuffins, McBiscuits and McMorphine, and found myself at ground fucking zero of a Romero zombie flick, except instead of brains, the living dead were moaning for senior discounts.

It was horrifying. Nearly every table was filled with the elderly, gnawing on extra-small paper coffee cups and dribbling McDonald’s Semi-Gelatinous Plasticised Syrup Substance on themselves. I found myself, head pulsing and wondering how long I had before my left eye filled up with blood, waiting in line behind a man, as loud and insistent as he was incoherent, alternating between instructing the counter help on the exact formula of hot water to cool tap water to fill his cup with and screeching that she should, “learn yerself the King’s [insert drool catching / temporary denture-securing slurp here] Golderned Ainglish!”

After a few minutes (Most of which I spent weighing whether or not it would be effective to try to convince this prick that “pendejo” was Spanish for, “Go home quick! Your grandchildren set your medication on fire!”), he became satisfied with the hot / cold mixture of his free water, and he then proceeded to take a tea bag out of his pocket and dunk it in the cup.

This motherfucker took minutes off of my life that I’m not getting back, purely so he could fuck Ronald McDonald out of the price of a cup of tea. This unbelievable bastard made the conscious choice to get into his 1982 V8 Caddy to spend two bucks worth of gas to save seventy-five cents on tea, probably to wash down a cheap Sausage McMuffin with Egg because he needed food to take his cholesterol meds with.

As I was wondering how many times I could run this prick over with my car before I couldn’t plead it out as euthanasia, I watched the guy toddle back to his buddies and I realized that none of them were there to fuck with me: they were just retirees on a fixed income who were just looking to get out of their houses for a morning, have an affordable meal and talk (albeit loudly) with their friends. And, considering that on an infinite timeline, I could become one of them, who was I to begrudge them that small pleasure?

Who am I? I’m the hungover guy who got the dry heaves at a fucking McDonald’s when I overheard the words “lance”, “boil” and “scrotum” in one sentence. I’m the guy who then almost got backed over in the parking lot at thirty miles-per-hour by a 1992 Buick Roadmaster with an “I’m spending my kids’ inheritance” bumper sticker. I’m the guy who then got a call from his retired parents in Florida telling him if he doesn’t get married and quit drinking and smoking, he’s losing power of attorney.

I’m the guy who’s amending his original “Let’s blow up McDonald’s” plan to include “Let’s fucking nuke Florida.” Then I can use the tax break, plus the money I currently spend on unwanted cell phone calls, to buy enough cigarettes to make sure I never get old. I just don’t like McDonald’s that much. That greasy shit’ll kill you.

[tags]Social Security Reform, Medicaid Benefits, senior citizens, nuclear weapons, McDonald’s sucks, dark humor, satire[/tags]