Greetings, Brothers and Sisters! As you are no doubt aware, the movie version of The Da Vinci Code opens in a few weeks. And while wholesome Catholics normally enjoy the good, family movies that Tom Hanks normally makes, the Holy See has condemned this movie as a slur on the Church. The erroneous and fallacious “question” this story poses is more dangerous and potentially damaging to the church than “Can you point to the place on the doll where the bad man in the collar touched you?”.
Therefore, the Vatican is proud to present “The Official Catholic Guide to Protesting The Da Vinci Code” (Not affiliated with “The Official Jewish Guide to Protesting The Passion of the Christ”, or “The Official Muslim Guide to Protesting Every Spy and Action Movie Made Since the End of The Cold War”)!
What is the Da Vinci Code, anyway?
The Da Vinci Code is a blasphemous story that postulates that Jesus actually married Mary Magdalene and fathered children with her, and that the Catholic Church has been covering this up for two millennia. At it’s face, this story is ridiculous; first of all, Jesus spent most of his time in the desert. It’s absurd to think that a man would go all the way to the desert to be with a whore!
Further, Jesus was the Son of God. And our Lord said that sex was expressly for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying! Which means that even if Mary Magdaline gave Him a blowjob, it’s not sex. Just ask your thirteen-year-old daughter.
Are you sure that this story couldn’t be real?
Of course! The mere concept of Jesus as a sexual being flies in the face of the wholesome concept of Jesus hanging out every night with twelve of His bachelor, blue-collar man-friends! Besides, the text of the gospels is clear and unambiguous, and there is no way that, in the course of 2,000 years, someone could possibly have mistranslated the words of Jesus when He said, “Eat of Me, and drink of Me.”
Further, we categorically deny that “washed His feet” is early Latin for “slobbed His knob”.
So there’s no chance that Jesus could have had children?
Of course not! For the last time: Jesus was a virgin when He was crucified and martyred by the Romans! Vatican records certainly don’t reflect the absurd notion that, while touring to bring His message to the people, He was found by twelve of His roadies in His hotel room with frankinsence caked around His nostrils, naked, bloated and hanging from His closet doorknob in an autoerotic asphyxia accident, forcing no less than four of them to write obituaries depicting Jesus going out like a hero as opposed to a pantless pervert with four feet of hemp around His neck, rigored hand on His still-erect…
Jesus had no children.
So how can I protest this blasphemous movie?
Boycott it! Take the ten dollars you would have spent on a ticket and give it to your Church! Not only will it support CYO bastetball, but it will support your priest, so he can remain in your parish long enough to apologize for what he did at CYO basketball.
So there’s no chance that there’s actually a Church coverup?
Of course not! The idea that the Catholic Church could keep a secret that threatened it’s very existence for more than two thousand years is ludicrous! Our most recent record is thirty years. And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!
[tags]Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown, Catholic church, Tom Hanks, Jesus Christ, Mary Magdalene, Pope Benedict, Vatican, blasphemy, dark humor[/tags]
