Britney Spears’ people announced that she and Kevin Federline are gonna be having another kid, even though they weren’t planning on it so soon after their first one. Which means that Britney and Kevin are probably gonna quickly find out that the old cliche’s right: no matter what plans you make, “life” is what happens to you when a jury finds you guilty of felonious child neglect.
Now, I will grant you that I am not a parent, nor do I have any intention of ever being one, but that said: one would think that the average person, having given birth to their first child only seven months earlier, might take a moment’s pause before squeezing out another one when you’ve already almost killed the first child. Twice. Hell, I was eight before my parents almost killed me, but at least they had the forethought to not have the balls to finish the job.
In the space of forty-five short days, Britney has endangered her first kid by driving around with him in her lap instead of a car seat, and by allowing him to fall out of a high chair. I find it somewhat disappointing that Britney’s decided to bear the responsibility of caring for a second child when she’s been unable to master the complex and baffling technology behind a chair. I can only hope that she grasps the concept behind this cutting-edge tech before she finds herself making a living doing lap dances. Because I don’t need the broken hip.
Honestly, I put the blame on Federline. That mook’s just about fathered a kindergarten class since he was old enough for his voice to crack when he lied about pulling out. I’m beginning to think he has the most powerful sperm on the planet. Part of me suspects that the sewers of his hometown are filled with half-man, half-Puffs-Plus-With-Lotion hybrid mutants, blindly dragging themselves through the filth, alternating between wetly mewling for daddy and rapping badly.
My point is, if you’re not smart enough to have kids, at least be smart enough not to fucking have them. If your kid falls out of a high chair and fractures his skull, don’t think that firing the nanny and suing the manufacturer will distract people from knowing that the problem is that you’re too fucking retarded to understand about gravity.
Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe Britney doesn’t know about gravity now, but once she drops this latest sprog, she will. Every time she looks at her tits and her belly in the Goddamned mirror.
[tags]Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, celebrity pregnancy, dark humor[/tags]
