You’d think the party that rammed through the Patriot Act would know how this shit worked. I never thought that I would witness the level and magnitude of baseball-spiked dick stomping that fully two-thirds of Republican representatives engaged in with tooth-capped smiles yesterday, but on the positive side, it confirms for me that I am wasted writing dick jokes in a dingy corner of the Internet.
Sure, yesterday Joe Blow was pissed off that Congress was ready to chuck billions at the same banking douchebags who had convinced him a couple of years ago that a four-point adjustment in his mortgage rate was nothing to worry about, that that the disturbing lump in his neck was nothing but built-up pride over joining the ownership society.
But that was yesterday. Today, Joe Blow’s 401K looks less like a retirement fund and more like a lifetime supply of Chinese milk powder and HD-DVDs, so now he’s angry and scared… only now, it’s at the Republicans who tanked the deal, shitty as it was. And when you protest that it was because Nancy Pelosi called you mean things, Joe will hurl words at you that not only would make a merchant marine submissively piddle, but which also might summon Ba’al.
And since the House of Representatives won’t meet until after Rosh Hashanah is over, the markets have had two more days to shit their own pants and Joe’s found his pitchfork, here is what will happen: On Thursday, the Democrats will put together a bailout bill that not only bails out the investment banks, but which includes every Socialist nightmare that has ever made a Republican wake up clenching his asshole (Larry Craig included). Mortgage subsidization for homeowners. Temporary nationalization of the banking system. Free Hacky Sacks and Patchouli for all.
The Democrats will call this bill the Save America’s Families From Financial Ruin Act, and it will include specific provisions to seize all golden bidets from CEOs of failed banks, that Condoleeza Rice must provide train pulling style fellatio on all comers, and that any Presidental signing statement attempting to qualify the law in any way will be punishable by mowing down the Rose Garden in a dress while shrieking the Soviet national anthem.
And if Republicans do not vote for this bill, not only will their buddies in Wall Street curse their names and pull whatever campaign donation funding they have left as they sink in to the abyss, but their home districts will be inundated with ads saying, “Congressman Flurm voted against Saving America’s Families From Financial Ruin. He wants Wall Street fatcats to keep the golden bidets they bought with your blood money. He’s against free blowjobs.”
So welcome to Catch 22: vote for the bill and alienate your base, or vote against the bill, and alienate everybody. So no matter what happens this week, it should be great entertainment; it’ll be fun to watch every Congressman with an “R” next to their name looking dumbstruck, baffled and retarded, like they walked into Capitol Hill and found Chris Matthews there, asking them to sit down and tell them what they were there for.
And all because Nancy Pelosi called them a bad name. Fucking pussies.
[tags]Wall Street Bailout, Stock Market Crash, Republicans, House of Representatives, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
