“I will pay you if you agree not to watch the convention tonight,” my girl said. “In Euros. I can’t face more plastic-looking women on television, particularly if they’re gonna spend the night humping the hurricane. It would be like a horrible remake of Twister, except instead of Helen Hunt trying to throw Pepsi cans into the storm, it’ll be Laura Bush chucking crucifixes.”
So instead, we spent the day rewatching the first season of Heroes on DVD. Now, I am a fan of the show, and I have been one for longer than you. As a lifelong comic book geek, seeing Heroes for the first time was like the people at NBC said, “You know, Reuter’s put up with Ross and Rachel ‘We were on a break’ jokes for eleven years, and he hasn’t left flaming bags of dogshit on our front steps or killed us even once. Let’s make that nice fella a show.”
I hadn’t watched the show since the truncated season finale back in December, nor since two of the series’ stars, Milo Ventimiglia, 31, and Hayden Panettiere, 19, admitted that they were, well, boning. And considering that they play uncle and niece in the show, it made every interaction between them so Goddamned disturbingly creepy that it sucked me out of the show every time. It felt like every episode was one late director’s “cut” call from becoming a Lifetime Movie of the Week.
Milo, Milo, Milo… I’ll get on board that Hayden’s hot, and I would probably tap that if I weren’t too drunk to get it up or to remember to give her a fake name. But she’s nineteen, dude, which means that it’s only a matter of time before she starts flaking out and making ridiculous demands like holding her hair back while she yorks up peach schnapps, or making you listen to The Jonas Brothers in your car, or insisting you participate in a spirited debate on the relative merits of Uggs.
And when that starts happening, you’re going to have to shut your hole and take it, because teenaged girls turn their friends against you when you break up with them, and her friends are the producers of Heroes.
Let’s face reality, Milo: if Hayden threatens to quit the show, she’s got a few movies and endorsement contracts to fall back on. You were in Rocky VI. So unless you want to find your character getting his brains scooped out by Sylar, you’d better get in touch with your inner David Archuleta fan (without trying to strangle him) tout fucking suite.
You’re thirty-one years old, Milo, and I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but listen to your Uncle Rob: betting your career future against the sexual whims of a teenaged girl never ends well. Ask Sarah Palin.
[tags]Heroes, Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere, Peter Petrelli, Claire Bennet, Sarah Palin, dark humor, satire[/tags]
