The big political gimmick news all week was that, if you gave Obama your phone number, he’d text you the name of his Vice Presidential pick. Questions about whether, if you gave him your credit card number, he’d give you a handjob remained unanswered… and unasked, because those fuckers at the campaign won’t give me press credentials even though I clearly never asked for them.
Turns out Obama was as good as his word and sent out the message that it was Joe Biden, setting telephones across America ringing… at 3 a.m. And that’s all you need to know that Obama’s a Democrat: they’re the only party that’s capable of ratfucking themselves.
If you’re not familiar, Joe Biden is a senator from Delaware which, in political terms, is a state and not a suburb of Baltimore as is widely believed. He was elected to the Senate in 1972 at the age of thirty, which sounds impressive until you find out that he was running against a Republican that was hand-selected by Richard Nixon, which dumbs the “impressive” factor down to the level of beating Dracula’s nephew in a garlic eating competition.
Biden’s run for president twice: once in this go-round, when he got his ass handed to him by, well, Obama, and once back in 1988, when he was doing well until he got himself into a little, well, trouble… which will at least mean we’ll get one hell of an inspiring nomination speech from him at the convention:
“My fellow Americans, it’s morning in America, and I have a dream that you will ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country. There is an Axis of Evil which we want dead or alive, and I say Bring It On. In conclusion: eleven score and twelve years ago, we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Good night and good luck.”
So in short, Obama decided to demonstrate his commitment to a new, original style of politics by hiring on the Dane Cook of politics. Which seems like a hopeless, cynical move, but according to the pundits is actually the way to go. Because realistically, Obama is a relatively inexperienced politician, and it makes a lot of sense to back a guy like that with a long time foreign policy wonk with years of failed White House ambitions.
Which is a team-up that, if history is any guide, should work out swimmingly.
[tags]Joe Biden, Barack Obama, vice president, politics, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
