A couple days ago, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that, even though it’s legal for gay people who live here to get married, gay people from somewhere else can’t come here to get married unless they’re planning to live here.
Now, let me preface all of this by saying that I don’t give a fuck whether or not gay people get married. The issue has no effect on my life whatsoever. I think that gay or straight, if you want to get married, you are a fucking moron.
But if telling people that you’re married makes you feel better about yourself, go for it. There’s a kid in my apartment building that tells people he’s the next 50 Cent. He’s so Caucasian that albinos want to lynch him, and he couldn’t carry a beat with a forklift, but if it makes a day of getting his head flushed in a high school locker room toilet go by easier, I’m not gonna begrudge him the right to be able to say it. After all, he can say that he’s 50 Cent all day long, and it has no effect on me being Batman.
That said: I have a rabid, passionate hatred for the people who have a rabid, passionate hatred against gay marriage. It’s not their fundamentalism or their stridency that piss me off, it’s the fact that one of them tried to trick me into signing a petition to ban gay marriage by telling me it was a petition to legalize selling beer in supermarkets. I only caught them because they were asking me this right outside a supermarket, and I read the petition to see if it would let me buy beer right that minute. I’m sorry, I don’t care how righteous you think your cause is, if you lie to me about giving me a beer? You have made an enemy of Batman.
When I called the bitch on it, she said, “If this law stands, you’ll be able to marry whoever you want! What would you say if someone wanted to marry their dog!?” I’d say that clearly that’s a pretty good fucking dog. But they’re gonna want an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement. Otherwise, the dog’ll just start marking off territory, and once that starts, even if you win in court, no one’s gonna want the big-screen TV.
And these spastics are calling this ruling a great victory, because now there’s no motivation for gays to come here, get married, and go home. Yeah, now they’ve got a motivation to come here, get married and stay here. Congratulations, guys! A few more victories like that, and they’ll be coming here, getting married and fucking on your couch! And then Jesus’ll never come over for fondue!
I’ll say this in favor of gay marriage: it means we can stop bandying around stupid terms like “life partner,” and “significant other.” My girlfriend’s “my girlfriend,” period… although the courts seem to prefer “co-consirator.”
The weird thing about all this is how many people around the country really hate Massachusetts because we allow gay marriage. What can I tell you? We’re tolerant people.
Unless you’re a witch. Then we will fuck you up.
I concur with your thoughts, and I think you are very witty. Maybe you should be running our country instead of someone who can’t chew a soft pretzel without choking on it!
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