Are You Qualified to Run Our Ports?

Thank you for applying for the United States Federal No-Bid Contract for running our major shipping ports! As you are aware, this contract involves the handling of a critical function of our national infrastructure, which requires extensive caution and deliberation before arbitrarily awarding it on a whim with no public oversight whatsoever.

To that end, please complete the following questionnaire to help us determine your eligibility and qualifications for handling this important service!

• How did you become aware of this Federal contract?
  1. As a major, United States-based contractor, we have a long history of bidding for, winning, and satisfactorily completing government contracts.
  2. We were informed by The President while holding hands.
  3. Our CEO became aware of the contract when the President mentioned it to him in the White House bathroom, right after saying, “Hey, look! It’s Dick’s dick!” for the seven thousandth Goddamned day in a row.
• How can the Federal Government keep track of your handling of finances and profits in relation to this contract?
  1. Our books will be available for audit at any time in our domestic corporate headquarters.
  2. We will be happy to complete an internal audit and forward the results to you in Arabic.
  3. Multiply your kickback by ten.
• What preparations have you made to prevent injuries from a radiological incident?
  1. We have a contract with a private security and inspection firm with extensive training in detecting and disposal of radioactive materials.
  2. We have trained our employees to use proper equipment and protection before shipping radioactive materials to American ports.
  3. This will not be an issue for us. Larry, our night security guy, is already toothless and bald.
• How will you handle locating drugs?
  1. We will have ten drug-sniffing dogs at each port for first-line pre-customs inspection of incoming containers.
  2. Drugs will not be an issue. Since we wish to establish a manufacturing presence in the United States, we will be importing poppies.
  3. When we want to locate drugs, our CEO asks his boss to beep his guy.
• What is your contingency plan in the event of a terrorist attack?
  1. Our staff has been provided with emergency survival gear and trained to assist the Coast and National Guards with first response duties.
  2. Claim responsibility.
  3. Apply for a no-bid contract for the cleanup.

Thank you for applying for this no-bid contract! We will consider your responses carefully, and will advise you as soon as is practicable if you have been awarded the contract, Mr. Vice President!